寂しい：lonely

I have exactly 12 more days left in this wonderful country. Actually, if you’re all technical and stuff, it’s actually 11.5 days since I leave around lunch on Friday, December 9. I can’t believe 3-and-a-half months have gone by so quickly. So incredibly quickly. I know it’s cliché to say, but it honestly feels like just last week that I walked into Hayama Seminar House for the first time, hung out with the buddies for the first time, met my host family for the first time. I really can’t wrap my head around how quickly time has flown by.

I know I haven’t talked about what I’ve done for, oh, the past 2 months or so. I figure I can do that while I’m at home or at school, and it’ll force me to look through the pictures and reminisce about the wonderful time I’ve had here.

The memories. I’ve had the time of my life here in Japan, and I mean the best time of my life. I’ve met wonderful, wonderful people, made amazing friends, and will always treasure the memories and experiences I’ve collected here.

I have no idea what I’m going to do when it comes time to say goodbye to Japan and all my friends. I’m probably the worst person at goodbyes. The worst. I’ve never cried during a goodbye ever in my entire life, because I always think I’m going to see them again. I always leave with a “I’ll see you later!” and a smile. I’m not sure I’ve ever had to say goodbye goodbye before. I hate, and I mean abhor, crying, because I think it’s just a big awkward mess where no one looks good and there’s runny noses and once one person cries, everyone cries, and it’s just awkward and yucky. But over the past 2 weeks, just thinking about having to say goodbye makes me cry myself to sleep. It’s the worst.

I had to say one of those goodbyes today. Today I hung out with 5 previous international students that studied abroad at Linfield. Yuki and Midori studied at Linfield 2 years ago (my freshman year), and Yuki lived across from me in our dorm. Kae, Satsuki, and Aki studied last year, and Kae was my roommate for fall semester of my sophomore year. Everyone came to Shibuya from Gunma (which is about 2-3 hours away by train) except Aki, who came from Tokyo. We had an awesome time, eating お好み焼き and もんじゃ焼き, and taking プリクラ pictures. We ended up going to Harajuku instead to do some shopping where I bought some cute stuff.

However, saying goodbye to Kae was hard. I love that girl to death-we are so alike in so many ways, and she really was an awesome roommate. I didn’t cry, which was a tiny victory for me, but I really did want to when I boarded our separate trains and thought about the fact that I really don’t know the next time I’m going to see her. Ever. I guess when she left Linfield, we were both comforted by the fact that we knew I was going to come to Japan in a year and we would see each other again. I don’t have that comfort this time around.

The next 2 weeks might be the hardest 2 weeks of my life. On the academic side, I have 4 tests, 1 presentation, 1 paper, 1 project, and 1 lesson this week. On the emotional side, because I have so little time left in Japan, I’m trying to spend as much time as possible hanging out with the buddies. However, it’s all so bittersweet because I’m excited to spend time with them, but the closer I get to them, the harder I know it will be to say goodbye next week Friday. I think I actually text the buddies the most out of the exchange students, which has made me really good friends with a lot of them. Some of the exchange students have said they’re jealous I’m such good friends with them, but in my head, I’ve been thinking that they’re the lucky ones. My normal self would have never, ever gotten so close to a group of people I know I’m going to have to say goodbye to in 3 months. It’s just the buddies are so awesome and such great people, I’ve found myself becoming emotionally attached to them and really can’t imagine going back home without them. The farewell party on Friday and saying goodbye at the airport next Friday is seriously gonna suck.

I’m so torn because I want to go home to see my friends and family, both in Hawaii and Oregon, but leaving Japan is probably going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’s going to be so draining, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I know in my heart that nothing lasts forever, that everything good must come to an end, but it’s just really hard to accept. As Gabi said earlier today, “I reject this reality and substitute it with my own.”